Project: I expose myself every day (text written for exhibition Prepositions in Newberry Gallery, Glasgow, 2000)
For three and a half months I committed myself to a drawing project where the frame was to draw every day and publish one drawing from each day on a home-page I created on the internet (see, www.geocities.com/helenajohard/). I wanted to use this everyday ritual as a tool to investigate a non-edited inner world of mine. One reason to publish it on the net was to create an outside observer which would function as a motor to commit myself and get used to exposing myself. I also had an idea of fusing my inner brain network onto an outside network of communication. Most of the time I have the feeling that the outside is pushing itself onto me and I wanted to reverse that situation. I often started to draw consciously and as I continued sometimes drawings came automatically. The original aim was to draw throughout one year. As I drew I started to become more and more concerned with the outcome. I started to compare recent drawings with former drawings. When I had a picture of what sorts of drawings I liked I got detached from the process of drawing subconsciously. Such drawings felt faked. I said to myself, that this is just a part of the process, but it really made me depressed. Also the drawings became empty gestures when other things in my life overshadowed the drawing project and I did not have any time to concentrate. I felt embarrassed about those bad drawings and the drawing project started to feel like a prison. So after a lot of troubles with my web pages and the computer lab and me being very pressured I forgot to draw one day. I could not find a way back. Now, I am really sad to break my commitment. I think it would have been really important to overcome the self-editing process. But I found it so hard to show what I considered bad. I guess this is the clue of the whole project. Is it really possible to fully disconnect myself from my outcome in the presence of another? It feels like a contradiction to not edit and at the same time be exposed. Anyway I will continue to explore my subconscious by drawing, but I am not sure I want to be seen all the time
These drawings are a mixture of the drawings from my drawing project. They do not include the worst drawings. I did edit.